Inspired..

Ok. So, recently I've been totally inspired and overwhelmed by some people in my life.Some of them are my friends,others,unfortunately,just having a minor role...
Inspired to be myself and to accept my world the way it is,inspired to be more honest with myself than ever before.,i got inspired to write this...
Truly speaking, I have to admit I'm of the extreme type...
The truth is ,that I always see things in black & white,do not recognize the nuances.which is kinda annoying for the people around me J
Actually I'm the most stubborn person I know lol,if I really know myself...Most of the time this stubbornness is disturbing.But there's a slight chance for it to be some advantage in random cases.
I'm a really super,hyper curious person,I can't even tell you how much:P, but I happened to be studious ,too,which has helped me to not be the cat killed by her compulsive curiosity .So, as you can see, I'm also a modest girl J
Ok ,I know it's not very nice to make a boast of me ,but I have to do it,cause I know my value :) I'm the most loyal,faithful and devoted friend,partner,daughter,sister and colleague :)I'm a bag of concern,understanding,good advice & common sense...but only for the others. How so? Well,if it's about me I'm not really the same person,I quickly lose my understanding ability and I'm not very polite to myself and you can even say I'm a bit harsh on myself. I'm the most severe critic to my SELF.
I used to consider myself an egoist,but in the course of time this thought of mine was disproved by my behaviour itself. Sometimes I suprise even myself!
Sometimes I think I'm destined to be alone cause I've lost a pretty large number of people in my life... some I banished myself,others were taken from me unwillingly...But the deepest scars that left my soul wounded are two men ...
My father who died untimely and I've never told him I loved him( I know!?),who never saw me grew up,who'll never know my possible family & kids and my first and ONLY love I lost through my fault,cause I was naive & inexperienced at that time,not that I can call myself this way now,but the things would have definitely been different...
I have my fears & expectations,I have my glorious moments & my collapsing failures,I have my ups & downs...
Sooo,meet the most insecure person you may know... that's what I'm most nibbled at about by my closest people. But everything has its original cause,right?
And see! I'm writing, I haven't done it for years, I must be really inspired?!
So, speaking of writing, yeah, I’ve been doing this before. I also used to paint and draw, haven’t done it lately, but, hey, as things am going now, I may amaze myself soonJ
There came the moment when I just throw my budding talents away, cause I was eager to changeL I’ll never forgive myself for being a reckless scrub and burning all my stuff in a moment of insane” clarity”
Anyways, there are things that are known and things that are unknown by ME about ME.
The most important is that I’m a pathetic, hopelessly, helpless romantic, but, shhh, do not tell anyone, cause I’m trying to show off myself as the toughest, you knowJ
Not that I’m a kind of Emo, but sentimental crap are inseparable part from my simple life ...
I have the annoying habit to get affectionate easily and after the affection goes away, just vanishes, or simply leaves my universe, I feel like I’m losing an essential part of me.
I’m not good at parting. I actually suck at it. For the last couple of years I have left and have been left by many people, and, one way or another it made me thick-skinned and emotions- resistant, but only on the face of me…cause, do not forget, I play the toughest in my movie.
Well, speaking of movies, what the heck happened with my happy end… it was lost somewhere along the way of waiting. Waiting for my moment to come, waiting for the unknown, and waiting for me to grow-up…But in vain… Do you really know what it’s really like to be a completely different person imprisoned in the body of a stranger?! Sounds schizophrenically, I know. But that’s the truth. The people around you expect you to act and live appropriately for your age (?!), but what’s your real age, anyway?
And what is actually real?! Did I take the blue or the red pill? Will my movie be a blockbuster…? Is that the real taste of life, food, water, LOVE? Would you sacrifice yourself for the sake of “real” life?

And what’s real here is my unexpected writing spree tonight, my real gratification at the fact that I actually love the things I do, I actually do not hate my job, as you may’ve heard me say. You are the first to know, I DO NOT hate my job? I promise. I’ve just been lying to myself because of vain and unwillingness to accept the fact I enjoy doing it J the main reason to not admit that earlier is that I had great expectations, but…. in life ,as often happens, things are not turning the way you want them to be. And thank God, cause the best things in life are coming out of the blue, they’re spontaneous instants of joy here and there.
Soo,do not tell my goofs I love them, cause I’m trying to act impartial over here ,though I think I’m a failure at acting and I’m too transparent to be seen through. I’m just a trivial dork.
So, I’m a bit bored of my thoughts right now, that’s why I’m cutting this writing dissipation off…for now.
I’m leaving my end open, like in French movies, you know? xax